The Articulate South

I hate southern sterotypes.

They bother me to no end. I was born and raised in the South, and I like to think that I am smart, clean, and have manners. We are also not all poor in the South. And I would just like to state that we are more DIVERSE than the Real Housewives of Atlanta would have the nation believe. Ahem.

My husband, also born and raised in the south, is half-canadian and his parents lived in Ohio before Georgia. He also is smart, clean, and has manners (better than mine). He also says 'shopping cart' instead of 'buggy' and 'can' instead of 'cayun'.

However, I must admit that there are very real people who encapsulate to the southern stereotype. In fact, there are quite a few of them.

I encountered one in particular the other day. Or at least I encountered his car.

Let me preface this revelation by first saying that I have no intention of detracting from my fellow blogger's running blog theme of capturing what she calls "vanity plates" and commentating on them (sheesh, was that a run-on or what?). But I just had to take this one down.

"HOW U"

Yes. I googled this combination of letters to verify that it was indeed what I thought it was and not some prestigious university. But the first hit was "Suga How U Get So Fly", which simply makes my next point.

What happened to verbs? In school I was constantly reminded to "USE STRONG VERBS" in place of my "There is"'s and "It was"'s. But I'd be happy if people around here just USED some. I'm not even kidding.

Sometimes I just want to tell that punk kid behind the counter to pull up his jeans and E-NUN-CI-ATE. Or tell the good ol' boy in the parking lot that his son is disobedient because he cannot understand "Git-own bek ov'hea" yet (...I suppose "git" could be a verb, actually). But I don't, because I'm shorter than everyone and not at all intimidating.

The truth of the matter is that it's laziness. All this heat and haze gets to us, and we find ourselves saying "Fine." instead of "I'm doing well. How are you?"

But at least the traffic sucks.

Avoidance

Has it really been 2 months?

No matter.

Have you heard about the flood that happened upon Atlanta in September? Thankfully it only affected one long commute home. Adding only 1 hour and 15 minutes to my normal hour-long drive. I even got to drive through rushing water. It wasn't scary. There was a cop and tow truck standing by. But I wouldn't recommend it if you can avoid such things.

However, I am not an expert on flood driving, so that conversation topic shall cease immediately.

Moving On...

What I am an expert on is NOT changing lanes unnecessarily.

Don't get me wrong. If I am traveling on the highway using cruise control and behold, I find myself behind a slow driver while driving in the right lane, then sure enough, I will put on my left blinker and change lanes twice to avoid turning off my cruise control. To be sure.

However, if instead I am traveling to work at an average speed of 40 MPH, an average distance of 6 feet from a vehicle on all sides at all times, I will avoid changing lanes as much as possible.

Here is why:

a) The person to my diagonal front right is not going any faster than the person directly in front of me.
b) If he is, he will not be for long.
c) There is almost never a space available in which to change lanes.
d) Old people are everywhere at 6 am and 4 pm. No lie.

Changing lanes in this type of scenario will not get me farther faster, but it will get me angrier sooner. As I already must separate my clenched teeth with a crowbar upon exiting my vehicle twice each day, I shall avoid any unnecessary extra stress at. all. costs.

Indeed.

Dawn

*No, people have not stopped being stupid on the roadways, and no, I have not stopped driving for endless hours every week, but I have been a bit busy around the office...so please excuse my recent abscence.

One recent afternoon as I listened to the radio, someone called in to the station...I forget why, but she did. And her name was Dawn. The host asked her what she was up to...at 4:45 pm. She replied that she was going to Macy's to buy makeup. When he asked her where, wouldn't you know that it was the mall I was passing at the very moment I heard this annoyingly broadcasted conversation (one of three malls, I pass during my commute...bring on working on Christmas EVE!!).

Yes. Thank you, Dawn, for leaving your clearly CAREFREE existence of a day to BUY makeup on a weekday afternoon while zillions of other people are TRYING to get home from work.

I have to assume that she had a carefree existence of a day, because if she happened to be a frustrated daily commuter with a glorious day off, why in her right mind would she EVER go out after 3pm or before 9am?
Exactly.

So Dawn either:
1) Works from home

2) Works less than 10 minutes from her home

3) Doesn't work
4) Is stupid

*I'm inclined to believe it's option number four because it can really go with any of the other options; it's versatile like that...but that's just my opinion.


One less car might have been what gave me the hope to carry on.

....

I suppose I did carry on since I made it home, but still! Once less car might have meant one less cutoff...one less slow driver...one less honker...or, heaven forbid, 5 less seconds on the road.

So take this as a lesson, non-commuters: Maybe if you all just do your "errands" from 10am-2pm...or 7pm-10pm...or 10pm-3am...we might all get a little more peace and rest.

Share the Road

Bicycles. I like them. They're fun and they can be romantic (I think).

My husband prefers mountian bikes. I think I would too...if I rode a bike.

Implicitly (actually it was rather explicit), I don't. I have a road bike that my brother found for me at a yard sale. He said, "Don't do anything with this until you get a tune up done at a bike shop." I haven't done anything with it...at all.

Road bikes are scary. It means you have to ride your bike on or very close to moving cars. They are also scary for drivers. I am always afraid of hitting a cyclist, no matter how far into the other lane I go to pass one.

Ok.

Did you enjoy I Bike Babble? Actually, I have direction here. I was recently behind a truck that had one of those 'Share the Road' license plates. He also had some surveying equipment set up in his truck bed. I thought to myself how weird that was---a tripod standing upright in the back of a moving truck. I used to work for an engineering company, and I don't remember them doing it that way...

I should probably insert here that I have very poor depth perception.

It was a bike. Sigh.

Anyhow, this man drove like a maniac. I thought to myself, would he drive that way if bicycles were around? He was weaving, speeding, using unnecessary blinkerage, not using necessary blinkerage (once again, English majors can make up words). Yes, he was quite a maniac indeed.

So, am I supposed to share the road with people like him? Or just when he's on his bike? Or neither if he's driving that way?

Seriously, being a non-cyclist, I find it hard to honor the request of a man who drives so...um...unsharingly.

Told you. English Major.

Prison Detail?

Turning on to a fairly busy highway the other day, I noticed a big, orange, diamond-shaped sign marked 'Prison Detail'. I have seen these signs before, and they normally indicate that inmates are nearby down the road picking up trash and such (which we absolutely need now that budget cuts include county landscapers...).





On this particular day, I continued down all seven miles of the road...seeing a total of zero prisoners (and don't try to tell me they were in street clothes...because there were no people on the median at all)...





...





Did you hear me?? They were gone!! Surely there must have been an escape of some sort. No well-paid, well-benefitted happy government employee would be so careless as to leave a 3-foot eyesore on the median to panic and wreak havoc on the fragile hearts of worrisome old ladies...





So, be on the look out in the 5 or 6 men in bright orange jumpsuits (I'm sure they're still wearing them)...

Smoking Drivers

Dear Smokers Who Drive,

I will not address the nasty habit/addiction of smoking here. I will only remark on the habits you all have while driving.

Actually just one in particular...

What, praytell, do you do with a cigarette when you are done smoking it (or whatever makes a cigarette disposable...to a smoker, that is) in the car?

Here is a list of things you could do with them, but to those of you who are throwing them out the window: Did you know that throwing a cigarette out your window is like honking your horn at the people behind you (your angry horn...not your friendly horn or your "wake up, dude" horn)? It's true. When a cigarette is coming at me from the person in front of me, bouncing off the asphalt and hitting my windshield, I cannot help but wonder if I have angered the smoking driver...

So, smokers, if you wouldn't honk your horn at the person behind you, don't throw your cigarette out. If you would, don't throw your cigarette and honk the horn...

Note: I was completely unaware that this was a activist issue. But apparently, it is...apparently there are groups of smokers against this type of thing...no comment.

Definition of Driving

When I was learning to drive, my mom told me, "Don't play the radio while driving."

Studies show that talking on the cell phone while driving can have similar effects on the brain as alcohol (...so can sleeping while driving...seriously, dude, don't do it).

So, the question begging to be answered is: What is driving?

'Oh shut up, Bill...'

No seriously, we all know that one is driving when he has his foot on the accelerator, gear shifted to D or D2 (I do not know how to drive a manual...so don't even bring that up! Let's stick to the definition of driving an automatic for the sake of this discussion and keeping my ignorance intact, capisce?), and the key in the ignition is turned toward the back of the car (assuming said car is in good running condition). We also know that one is NOT driving if the car is in park, no foot is on the accelerator, and the key in the ignition is turned toward the driver, or not in the ignition at all (also if one is not in the car---that might be a dead give away).

But what about the in-betweens? What about when the car is in park but it's on? What about when the car is in drive, but your foot is on the brake pedal? What if the passenger is steering while you tap the pedal (which I wholeheartedly discourage), are you still considered to be "driving" the car?

You may be wondering why I ask. I just got a brand new phone.


(For the record, that message was to my parents. While I am sure that you are all very nice people, I do not know you, and therefore, I do not love you)

It has access to the internet. I am a semi-avid Facebooker/Twitterer. I have the capacity to operate these sites from my cell phone. I have a tendency to Twitter/Facebook (insomuchas those are verbs) while I am at stoplights. [Sidebar: Consider the following. It takes me 45 minutes to drive the main strip of my commute home which is all of 15 miles. I do go an average speed of 40 MPH. Anyone who can do the math knows that I am missing almost 23 minutes. Where did they go? Traffic Lights! Resuming previous train of thought:] I recently received an admonishment for updating my facebook while "driving" (after posting about thumping music...but I suppose that is an entirely different post altogether).

(Whew! That is wayyy too much talk about me...let's not do that again, ok?)

So, the question remains: was I updating my facebook while "driving"?

I am almost certain this particular post goes against everything my blog stands for, but who am I to shy away from black-and-white definition. The distinction needs to be made, right? I mean...right?


For the record: The status was updated while I was at a 60+ second traffic light. This would be a breeze for someone of my administrative caliber. I did not hold up traffic when the light turned green. At no time did I forget that my foot should remain on the brake pedal and slide into the intersection. Just so you know.