In Slow Motion

I suppose one of the most common complaints of commuters is that the people driving in front of them drive too slowly. So, I understand that the "slow-driver whine supply" may be tapped dry. However, I would like to bemoan a more specific type of slow driver---the self-righteous coaster.

Oh yes, you know who I'm talking about. That old man or sleepy college kid who gets his feelings hurt when you get too close to his bumper.

Now imagine, you're cruising along at the speed limit (or close to it...ahem) and you notice you are coming up fast on the car in front of you. Assuming that they cannot be driving that slowly (since you are driving the speed limit), you lift your foot gradually off the accelerator. Noticing that this does not do the trick, since you are still quickly approaching Grandma, you start to brake. Being that the person in front of your turns out to be going slower than you could have imagined in your wildest (or most boring) dreams, you eventually slam on your brakes so as not to plow into the back of her boat-car.

Breathing an adrenaline-rushed sigh of relief, you think you have escaped trouble. But you are too late, friend. The sloth has noticed your speedy approach and is angered. How dare you go faster than this speed patrol vigilante? How dare you disturb his peaceful slumber by causing him to fear he may have to lift his feet from the floorboard? You are to be punished!

And so, our sluggish hero has a vengeance. Doing the impossible, he goes. even. slower. No one knows how he does it! You scramble for your left pedal once more, even eyeing the emergency brake. You are desperate to escape the wrath of the odometer police. But, alas, you are doomed to move at a rate that is hardly a positive number until the right lane affords a space for you to make your getaway (because these unsung heroes are known to ride in the left lane). If you are lucky, your foe is too lazy to speed up once you have switched lanes to prevent you from passing him.

But if you do escape, friend, please remember to avoid the icy gaze of the slow driver as you pass. It is deadly.